The sad reality is that in our modern rat-race we call society we are more connected thanks to social media and at the same time more lonely than ever before. Men, believe it or not, your wife is lonely. She has her friends who tell her what is going on in their lives and every once in a while she may get a word or two in, but she doesn’t feel heard. She needs something deeper, more meaningful, something only you can give her.
My wife is a very social woman. She has her workout friends, her gaming friends (card games not video games), her woman’s book club friends and her coworker friends. She is surrounded by women who love her and who she is constantly interacting with. Unfortunately this does not always equate to quality time. In other words it does not always cause her to feel like she has really connected with somebody.
This is where I get the opportunity to be the man of her dreams. What my wife is looking for is connection.
What your wife is looking for is connection.
We aren’t simply talking about spending time together, we are talking about meeting a need that your woman has to connect in a deep and meaningful way. If I can stop what I’m doing and make it a point to connect with her, I have successfully made myself indispensable to her.
Dinner and A Movie
The brain of a man and the brain of a woman are wired slightly different. We both have a need to connect but we do it in different ways.
Let’s take the classic dinner and a movie date as an example. Since studies have shown that first dates go better when it’s a movie then dinner, we will say our couple went and saw a movie then went to dinner afterword.
The Brain of a Man
For a man to feel connected requires very little effort. So long as we are doing things together (or in close proximity) we feel a connection.
He thinks, “We saw a movie together, we connected.”
For us men all we need to do is to get together and be pursuing the same goal. In this case, our couple has come together and they are watching the same movie. Connection achieved!
The Brain of a Woman
Unfortunately for most men, this is not how a woman feels connected. A woman (our wives for example) need to communicate and feel heard in order to feel a connection.
For our example couple who went to the movies then out to dinner this means even after the man is feeling a connection the woman still requires more.
Up until this point she may think he is a nice guy and even that he is cute but she does not feel any connection to him. Her requirements have not yet been met.
They are now at dinner and they are talking about the movie they just saw. This is where a smart man will make the connection with her. A smart man will make her the center of his world and listen to every word she says. He will ask her about what she thought of the movie and allow her to share about it.
She thinks, “He listened to me as I expressed myself, we connected.”
It is only when he listens to her thoughts and feelings that she is able to feel a connection.
Tips For Making That Connection
If you can truly grasp this concept and learn to connect with your wife in the way that she needs it will change everything in your marriage for the better. There is not aspect of marriage which will not benefit form this. Her trust in you will go up, her desire for physical affection from you will go up, the way she talks about you to her friends and family with change for the better, you name it… learning to listen to your wife will improve your marriage.
If you are anything like me having clear and simple Do’s and Don’ts makes everything better so here are a few to get you started on a path to a better marriage:
- Plan time to connect into your schedule. Find 30 minutes where you can consistently meet up with her and hear about her day. Pick a time when she is not too tired and there are not too many other needs from life.
- Get rid of distractions. Hide your cellphone, turn off the TV and the computer, send the kids outside to play. You want her to know that she has your full and undivided attention. Connection can only be made if she knows that she is your priority #1.
- Look directly into her eyes. This communicates to her that you are listening and that you enjoy hearing her talk, no matter how trivial the subject, because it helps you to understand her better and love her more.
- Ask her a question. Ask her about her day then don’t say anything else. Comment only if she asks for your thoughts, or to better understand something she said.
- You are not fixing the problem. Fight the urge to interrupt her with your stories, your thoughts on what she just said, or to change the subject. I’m sure you know the answer to any situation she is facing but that is not what this time is about. This time isn’t about you or your solutions, it’s about connecting with her.
- Bonus: Dig deeper. Once you get good at the other steps learn to ask good questions. Questions like, “How did that make you feel when…?” or “Can you tell me more about…?” This will take her from feeling connected with you to feeling like you are an indispensable part of her life.
Being a Great Lover
The fact of the matter is that when she knows you are prioritizing her, you become everything she wants. This is the type of lover she wants. One that makes her feel safe, one that makes her feel special, one that makes her feel wanted. When we begin to practice listening to her we will find that many other “problems” in our relationships suddenly disappear. All too often the things we think are problems in our marriage are merely symptoms; the true problem is a lack of intimacy.
Do you want to be a great lover? Do you want to be the man of her dreams? Learn to listen and learn to connect with your wife.
Question: What is something you do for your wife that helps her to feel connected with you? You can leave a comment by clicking here.